Monday, March 5, 2012
Trust and a Confession of Sorts
Its been a long time since I’ve allowed my fingers to hit this keyboard. Part of that is because of being busy living life; no writer can write without living life to have stories to write about. With that being said, the other reason-the bigger reason I haven’t written is because of extreme insecurity.
Sometimes when I go through change, I begin to question everything. I question my decisions, my character, and my strengths and abilities. Sadly, one of the things that was majorly impacted was my outlook on my writing. I would go to sit down at the computer and would write it off as crap and throw it away.
Some things were holding me back, insecurity and a clouded mind.
Today, I am looking to push that to the side.
Just as the devout catholics turn to confession when their heads fill with their sins, I turn to the words as they begin to pile up in my head. Sometimes I can’t write anything of quality when I have an over arching thing that I need to get down on paper. So this post is something that has plagued my mind for the past 2 months... And I’m not gonna lie, it feels damn good to finally put it down.
For all those who have followed this blog, or know me at all, you know that my life has been one that doesn’t stay on the straight road. My journey has been one with many twist and turns in the road, and at times it has felt like there have been stones to stub my toes, and thorns to pierce my heels, but I push on. Through all these twist and turns, I have learned that TRUST is a huge part of the process. Whether its trusting myself to make it through, trusting my friends and family to push me through, or trusting God to show up, I have to put trust in something through these times.
I wish I could say that all of these times or trials have made me a much more trusting person, but I sit here wishing.
Recently my life took another turn.
So yet again, I had learn to “Trust.”
I quit my job back in December because of unhealthy work conditions (when a job keeps you from sleeping at night, that’s a good sign you probably should bail or make some serious change.) After talks with my wonderful girlfriend Jackie, and best friend Nathan, I decided it was best to bail. So I jumped off that cliff.
And boy did I soar.
For about a month I free fell in the air feeling the wind blowing against my face, feeling the lack of ground and stability below me, and waiting for the earth to show up to either cripple me or give me the ability to stand back up.
Thank God it was only a month’s worth of waiting. By the grace of God, I received a call for an interview at one of my dream jobs, FYE. For all of you who aren’t familiar with the company, FYE is the last standing record store chain in the country. Over the years we’ve had to mourn the losses of Virgin, Tower, Mediaplay and other record stores because of record sales in this country. Saying all that must have you asking, why would I try to get a job in a dying breed?
Well that answer is easy.
It’s always been my dream to work in a record store. Record stores are a part of my DNA. Growing up my dad would take me and brother to Noshville for breakfast on special saturdays, and then we would go to Great Escape Used Records, Cd’s and comics on 21st Ave. Those are some of my favorite memories, getting to go there with my dad and talk music. I know that my dad is the reason that I love music as much as I do.
So with that said, you probably can’t even imagine just how ecstatic I was when I got the call that I was hired.
I can’t describe to you how much healthier of a person I am because of this decision to jump, and leave my old job.
At my new job, I put the useless knowledge that I have stored in my mind, Artist names, albums, producers to use. I get to actually use that knowledge every day when that customer walks up and says, “Hey who sings that song.... you know that one.... *They begin to hum*.... So had you bad day da da da”... I then stop them and their pitchy but gutsy performance, Daniel Powter. Getting to do that is actually very releasing for me. I love helping people, and being in an environment where I can help people find exactly what they are looking for is awesome.
Now looking back where I came from, that season of having to lean on friends and God, it paid off. Pastor Mark Quattrochi once spoke on how we have to walk through the wilderness to get to The Promised Land, just as the Israelites did those 40 years in the desert. And he was right, those words really helped to help me carry on through my walk in the wilderness.
You know sometimes we get all bent out of shape over things in our lives not working out the way we thought it would.
One conversation I’ve had many times with my girlfriend, is that I realize in my life I can’t actually be a “planner.” I can’t plan my life out, because it never works out according to the “Plan.”
So I guess that’s where this whole “Trust,” thing comes in.
That dreaded word.
The definition of trust is “To believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something.”
Through the 21 years I’ve been walking on my journey, my heart has gone through a couple of phases of hardening and softening. Another realization I’ve had recently is that I am in, and hopefully exiting, a phase of a hardened heart. I’ve allowed myself to believe the lie that I can, and have to, do life somewhat on my own. I learned the hard way over the past few months that friends are a mutual experience, where we both lean on each other, not just me being there for them and keeping my stuff to myself. This realization actually really warms my heart to know that it isn’t the truth.
I had to learn to trust my friends love me for who I am, and sometimes that means they love me even when I am a heavy person. Friends carry each others burdens, I know I would do anything for my friends, and I’ve picked others who will do the same for me, Thank God.
That brings me to my last point. The hardest thing for me to do recently has been to just thank and trust God. As I’ve grown in my faith over the past year, I’ve really questioned the intervention of God in my existence. So with that thought, I’ve been very weary of “leaning not on my own understandings.” Oh the irony right?
This I guess is where I break the writing and enter the reader into the picture.
Could you do me favor?
Could you do something besides just reading another internet post that someone has posted on the internet?
Can you help me by praying that I can learn to trust God.
If you don’t know me, then let me let you in on something... What I just did up above this sentence... Yeah, I never do that. I never really reach out to others and try to ask for help. haha. As I’ve stated the road has taught me that I can do a lot of things on my own and with my own hands. But I’m no fool. I look up the stars at night and can’t help but feel theres something to this world. There’s something to this universe. It can’t just be chance. All that to say, I can’t do EVERYTHING on my own.
If you do that for me, or even if you don’t, know that I am stretching out my hand to you as well. If you need anything from me, let me know, I don’t want to be just another author who pushes his work on this interwebs. We are people, we do life together.
Thank you guys for reading this, I hope all is well with you guys.
“So God, I realize I need to lean on You. Help me to do it more often then I do now. Help me through the next couple bends in the foreseeable future. Thank you for providing me with the friends and family I have now, I know that even if the outcome isn’t “according to the plan” that I will still walk away successful because of them. Thank you for allowing me to understand love because of the people you have placed in my life and because of You.
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: Last Chance To Lose Your Keys
Artist: Brand New
Album: Your Favorite Weapon
All photos stolen from Google Images of course.