Monday, August 23, 2010
Most stories have a beginning and an end. Thats the thing that we don't comprehend in our lives when we are living them. We don't see the story unfolding. We don't see the build to the climax of the tale. We just feel lost. Lost in the midst of our lives as if no story is taking place. Its only when the life is over that we see the story in its completion... And in saying that, I digress to say, here I am... A little lost.
Now before I go on, I need to state this from the very beginning. The decision to move to Florida, I do strongly believe was the right decision. I prayed and prayed and cussed God out over this decision, but I know that this is where I am suppose to be. Even writing this out I feel a bit of comfort in my chest. This is right. So don't worry I am not writing to say that I made the wrong decision or that I am not being loved by my florida family.
Right now I am sitting on my best friends bed. The bed is made and the computer lies in my lap. Occasionally I stop typing and stare out the open window at the Florida weather. Its grey outside and a storm is definitely afoot. I feel like I have been sitting like this for a while. Its now starting to rain...
Last thursday I packed up my car, put the keys in my ignition and started the drive to Land O'Lakes Florida. This in the history of Tanner Pemelton, is the hardest decision and move I have ever made in my life. I could spend hours writing about the feelings I had when stepping out of the house, getting into my car, waving bye to my mom. But I don't know that I am ready to write about all that right now. I drove all day long and at 9:30 that night I parked my car outside of the Graves house. I sat there for a second and then got out of the car and walked into the house. I was greeted with hugs and questions and then I remember just sitting down on the couch then talking through "the plan" with Mrs. Kim with school and everything. I then walked upstairs to the room I would be staying in, set down all my stuff then sat down on the bed that the Graves had made for me.
I don't know that I'll forget that feeling while I sat on that bed and talked to my friend nathan. After a while I pulled out my computer and got on Facebook. The second I had logged into the site I knew it was a bad decision. I was fighting tears from calling my dad to tell him I had made it, and now I was logging onto the site that all my friends and family back home were on. It was too much for that day. I talked to a couple of friends who wanted to make sure I was ok and see how the long drive went, and then I talked to my second second mom, Lorrie Harden, who told me that I should get off because it was too hard. So I did... I laid there in bed talking to my friend, and then we put on a season of Scrubs that I had bought. So that night I fell asleep to the comfort of something I knew. Something that wasn't new to me. In that moment Turk and J.D. acted as good friends giving me a pat on the back, telling me its ok.
Now this is all dreary and depressing so far and I"m sorry. Thats not how I'm intentionally making this out to be. Take word from the Almost and "Blame it on the Southern Weather."
Ever since that first day and first night, the days have been easier. And with every night I gain a little more sleep and with every day I gain a little more energy for the day.
I knew that this move would be huge and that it would be hard for the first little while. I just don't know that I thought it would hit me as hard as it did, and does in waves every now and again.
The thing is... I know that this is healthy.
I'm not depressed.
I remember the last time I came down here with cooper. I was here for a long weekend and then drove home with Jonathan Pfahl that monday while cooper stayed behind. On the saturday, which was the 3rd or 4th day of the trip I was explaining to all the guys how weird it is to come down to Florida for a vacation. I told them, Its really hard for me to fully dive in and feel super comfortable for a couple of days. I have to adjust. I have to find a place of relaxation, a place that I can tell myself that it is ok to do nothing. I know this may all sound weird to some, but I know some of you relate to this as well. I am just one of those people who have to go through that adjusting period. That period of being ok with laying on the couch and doing nothing. I struggle with that at times surprisingly.
Today I woke up at 9:30 called the college that I am looking to attend to ask some questions about some paperwork they are requesting for, and then that was all I had for the day... That was the only thing that I knew I had to do today. That is an odd feeling. Waking up and doing what you had planned to do for that day, and being done with it at 10 am... I took a shower, then came and laid down on my bed. I picked up a book I have been reading, "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus and started reading. It took me a little while though to come to the conclusion to sit and read. It felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything and I felt like somehow I was failing myself in someway by doing that...
But then after some prayer and reading I realized it was ok. Its ok to sit here and do nothing sometimes. Its ok to not have anything major on the agenda.
I was sitting today and I thought about Adam in the Garden of Eden. I know there had to be days where he didn't have anything on the agenda. All the animals had been named. All the plants had names, all the work he had to do was complete. On those days I am sure that he just walked to the garden. Just him and God spending the day walking the Garden. I couldn't help but think that maybe we have it wrong sometimes. I know I think that I have to accomplish something. But God even established one day of the week to rest. Complete rest. So I know that his original intention and design was designed to have rest. You know there were probably moments where God probably left Adams side physically and told Adam, "Adam, go take a nap, you need rest. Good work today." Now I'm not going a spill about rest to say that its ok to rest when there is work to be done. No no no. But I am saying for you who have trouble adjusting, its ok to rest at times. Heck, God rested on the 7th day after creation. Its ok to take a day and rest, not accomplish anything.
So thats where I sit today. I am in a state of adjustment.
I miss my family.
I miss my home.
But both me and my family know that this is where I am suppose to be. Things happened that I thought would never happen. Things and relationships were fixed, and I know that was a sign from God that was confirmation on the move. So I am in no way shape or form in a state of doubt over the decision. I am just in state of transition. A state of reflection and to some extent mourning.
But with every day rises a new sun. A sun that feels brighter on my face. A sun that I know shines because of the God who created it. The same God who I believe pushed me to be in this exact spot that I am sitting now.
Although some days may be harder than others, I know there is a reason for it all. I know that this is a good thing.
I also know that I am in a good place.
I can not thank the Graves family enough for putting up with me. They are providing so much for me, and I am eternally grateful for their support and help.
They of course are no Pemelton family, but they are the wonderful people and family that I have grown with outside of my own home. It only makes sense that I would be here for just another step in my life.
But as I said, I know they are not trying to take the place of my family. Nobody could fill those shoes. I miss you guys so much, and love you guys. Know that I hurt physically at how much I miss seeing you guys every morning when I wake up. Thats why a webcam is becoming a necessity. haha. I love you guys so much and thank you for everything. Now keep calling and texting! It doesn't have to be me to start the conversations. But I know you guys are busy too. Just know that I love you so much.
So here I sit. On a bed. Looking out the window at the rain falling down. I know there is a path set before me and I am pursuing it. Even now I am exercising my writing. But I sit here transitioning. Transitioning into a speed of life. I also stand here looking ahead and behind. But thats ok. Its all apart of this healing process.
I am sorry if this post does not hold a huge moral or pick me up at the end of it. This post is more or less designed to just mentally dump all that my head has been going through these last couple of days. So many of us are going through transitions now. With school and college and jobs. I know that I am not the only one feeling this awkwardness. This transition. Just remember, we're going to make it.
We are all going to be ok.
The fears that hold us back probably are not anywhere near as bad as we think they are.
With God at our sides I know that we will be fine.
I know that I am fine and will finally come to a place of complete comfort one day. But its all in that transition time. I am learning. I am growing. And that is what matters.
I know through the trials and troubles and pain I have been through that in the end a flower blossomed. Something at the end of all the pain was there waiting for me. So am looking forward to seeing that rose. Looking forward to seeing that "purpose for the pain" as Renee Yohe put it.
So until I see that rose, or feel that complete comfort I will be here. Continually listening to The Cranberries, Needtobreathe, anberlin, and all the bands that I call comfort music.
I'll continue to watch movies and get lost into stories for comfort's sake.
While Waiting for that rose to blossom.
But I know that rose is blossoming even now as I type...
Thank you for all the opportunities you have provided me with.
Thank you for this life.
Help me through all the feelings and emotions that I am tackling everyday.
I know there is a purpose for this life, for this move. Help me to stay focused on that every day.
Be with me and my family as we are all adjusting. And please help us to feel your love and mercy shine down on us like the sun.
I love you so much, and thank you for everything that I have.
I could sing of your love forever a worship leader once, help me to feel the same way.
Thank you for everything. And help us all to see where you are leading us.
We love you,
In your name we pray.
Media Associated With This Post:
Artist: The Cranberries
Album: Everyone Else Is Doing it, So Why Can't We?
All Pictures Taken By Tanner Pemelton
Friday, August 13, 2010
"Please take me by the hand
Its so cold out tonight
Ill put blankets on the bed
I wont turn out the light
Just dont forget to think about me
And I wont forget you
Ill write you once a week"
-Going Away To College
I don't know that there is any other band, any other sound that can describe this topic any better than Blink 182.
I just laid down to go to bed about 45 minutes ago, but I could not fall asleep. My brain is just turning and turning with different thoughts of the future and with thoughts of the past as well. But something special happened tonight, one of my best friends called me up out of the blue to yell out me for planning on moving and not telling him yet. haha. But we talked for at least 45 minutes tonight just catching up and talking all about our lives and where our paths have taken us. We also talked about something that I haven't heard in too long. Something that is life long, something that I know still lives strong in all of our hearts no matter where we stand in our lives today. And that is The Homies.
The Homies is the name that we all started calling ourselves. The group was composed of 5 guys, and one girl (if natalie was there) but she wasn't always there so we normally said it was just the 5 of us, but natalie was one too. haha. Either way the group consisted of the worlds most gorgeous, courageous, masculine men of all time. They conquered summers, hung out in Kroger parking lots, and did way too much stupid crap that we probably should have never done,... but thats ok. I can not describe in words right now, the smile that is across my face just from remembering all the amazing memories I have with these guys.
The Homies consisted of:
The Crazy One
The Beautiful One
The Nervous One
(and in some cases:
The Girl. haha)
This was the group. This was the justice league of bellevue. And it all started because of one church.
In the summer of '03 I started going to the new youth group at my new church, Crosspoint Community Church. Crosspoint was a little group of people who starting meeting together after splitting from the then Bellevue Community Church. So as you can imagine with the church just starting, the youth group was not very large.
My very first experience with this youth group was on a youth trip. My mom one day said, "get packed you're gong to camp." I can still remember driving there, I was sitting there in my passenger seat so nervous. I had no idea what she had signed me up for. All I knew was that it was a weekend getaway with some kids that I did not know and most likely they were older than me. So I jumped out of my 15 passenger van and got into another 15 passenger van, except this one was bound for Falls Creek Falls.
In all honesty that trip may have been one event that changed my life.
That trip is what introduced me to Charge. My youth group of 7 years. My second home.
I met so many awesome people, fell in love with my new youth pastor, Bryan Kirkpatrick. But I also first met another person that trip. He was this guy named Braeden. He was a year older than me, so we got along, but the kid was also very outgoing so he pretty much was friends with absolutely everyone. I really liked the guy and admired him, but he also was a bit intimidating, and a little crazy. haha.
After that trip I remember talking to my friend from school mom, Nathan Cox's mom teddy, about the trip. She starting saying that she wanted nathan to start going to the youth group. So she offered to take me as well every wednesday. And that started the tradition of me riding with nathan to youth group for the next 3 or years. We always went together. We wore our hats and funny logo shirts and went to Charge together always. People would ask if we were brothers almost every week.
After a couple of years at the youth group, these two goth guys started coming to youth group all the time. Their names were Steven and Thomas. They would always show up warm and welcoming but also a little rough in appearance. I remembering seeing thomas and the chains, iron maiden "trooper" shirt, and just thinking what is this? haha.
After a year or so of trips together and youth group together we all started hanging out outside of youth group about the time that we all had our licenses, except for maybe steven at the time, which was ok, because Braeden would always be there to pick him up. Braeden, Nathan, and Thomas were normally the designated drivers for whatever damage we were going to be causing during the days and nights together. haha. There are so many memories I have from those summers.
I'll never forget driving down River Rd one day. In my car was thomas and in the car in front of us was nathan and braeden. Me and thomas were talking and I looked up during our conversation and saw Nathan sitting on the roof of Braedens moving car... naked. haha. Me and thomas lost it. We could not stop laughing. Believe me, nudity was not a shock with the homies. We always loved to freak each other out with it. I can not tell you how many times I have seen those guys naked. Its probably a very shameful number even to a dr who gives physicals every day. I have probably said too much on the subject already, but just know this was a normal scene.
But we did not only age together and have fun together, but we also grew so much spiritually together. About the same time that we all started hanging out, we all started going to a small group at Jad Duncan's house. I'll never forget the first meeting we had in his living room. I didn't really know this guy too well, he was offering up his house to teach us stuff on sunday nights, and he was a lawyer. I really did not know what to expect from this guy. I don't think that the thought that Jad Duncan would become one of my biggest role models and father figures in my life every crossed my mind that night. haha. I believe that is fair to say. But I was not the only one that was surprised that he became that. We all were. Jad was a huge part of all of our lives. And because of him, I do believe The Homies were able to get through so much crap together.
And that word is the one thing that nobody could take from us, Together. We were always together. We saw each other every wednesday, every sunday and hung out most the other days of the week. Thinking about it now, I can't believe we hung out as much as we did at 15 and 16. Most parents would be freaking out, especially by the hours that we hung and the stuff that we did. But somehow our parents didn't. And I thank God that they didn't, because if they did I don't think I would have some of the memories that I do have.
I'll never forget one night at about 12 am or so, we went to the walmart on Charlotte pike, and bought about 12 to 13 packs of toilet paper. We positioned everyone at different check out lines with only 2 or 3 packs. Surely the clerks knew something was up, but we walked out of the door without even being questioned. We had about 70 rolls in the back of Sam's car. So we drove down to Jad's neighborhood, and parked a couple blocks away from his house. We loaded up our hands with toilet paper ran down to his house and went to roll the first tree when Jad came running out from behind his car and started chasing us. I don't know that I have ever ran as fast as I did last night. I just remember looking back and in the street lights seeing all of our faces. We were all smiling. I could only hear us screaming and Jad's loud laugh. We got to our car and Jad just stopped running and started talking with us. Someone had tipped him off that we were hanging out and probably looking to get in a little trouble. haha.
It was moments like that, that made the homies a special group. It wasn't about what we did as much as if we were together. I can think of more times that we hung out and did nothing/and or came up with something random to do, more than I can think of times that we did something we had pre-planned. Although that was a little stressful on my end because my parents always wanted to at least know where I would be, and i wouldn't know, it was still awesome.
I can honestly say that in those days we were inseparable and we thought that it would be that way forever. Thats why we started saying the homies. We were a group that would be a force to be reckoned with forever...
But then life started to take place.
Our beloved pastor, Bryan Kirkpatrick stepped down from his position as Youth Pastor. That was the first rock thrown at the homies, and it was more like a boulder. Bryan was a huge part of all of our lives and to see him go was hard on all of us.
Another hit that the group took was we stopped meeting at Jad Duncan's house after bryan had left. Strike two.
But once the church hired George to the position of youth pastor, the homies took a huge hit.
We all missed bryan dearly and were very loyal to him. But some of us just didn't care for George and did feel that the Charge we knew and loved would be the same without him, so they left. It actually got to a point, where I was actually the only one going there.
So we weren't meeting at Jad's. We weren't meeting on wednesday nights, and we eventually just stopped hanging out all together.
The Homies to an extent faded. Me and Nathan continued our lives at Pleasant View Christian School, and Braeden graduated from Harpeth High. Thomas eventually got his GED and Steven graduated from Middle College. Braeden and Steven and Thomas to my knowledge kept hanging out, and me and nathan would hang out but the homies never really united again after those summer's.
But we did unite a little after the Homies had started to fade away when one of the homies mom's died. Thomas's mom Melissa who had been a mother to all of us, passed away a few years ago. Me and nathan were in a showing of The Dark Knight in bellevue and Braeden and steven were hanging out when we all got the text and call from Jad that said, "Melissa has passed." No matter what we had going on between any of us, we all were there at Thomas's door. We all walked in and saw the family sitting on the couch waiting for Hospice to show up to take the body. I still remember seeing the look on thomas's face when we first walked in. He was just shocked on the couch. You could see his state of numb. We all walked in and gave him a hug. We were all there for him that day and the following days to the funeral.
I wish I could say that the funeral really brought us all together and everything became just better after that but that wouldn't be the honest tale. What happened?
Life somewhat happened.
We all started going our separate ways.
Some pursued college.
We all really lost touch.
The Homies really somewhat faded.
But today I got a phone call from my buddy braeden and we talked for like 45 minutes. We talked about where we each were, and what the others are doing. Some of the stuff he told me about what he thought happened to all of us really floored me. Some of the anger and the roots to the anger really just amazed me to an extent. So Ive been thinking about the whole situation all night, and all the amazing memories we all share. And I really feel like I want to clear the air on one thing to all the Homies.
Guys, I love you.
I love you more than you can ever imagine.
I don't want you out of my life.
I never wanted you out of my life.
But I do need to say one thing... I screwed up. We all did. But this blog is written by me and I want to apologize. I want to say I am sorry for the way things were handled. The way that I hurt you in my absence. I am sincerely sorry for that. I am sorry for being a jerk at times and ditching you. That was not something that today I am proud of. Actually it is the opposite. I sit here feeing like I have failed the homies to an extent.
So that is why I wrote this blog.
I wanted to write this to you, Homies.
I wanted to let you know, I'm still here. I still love you, all of you.
Yes, I may be moving, but that doesn't mean that there is no chance of any form of relationship between us.
I want you to be apart of my life, and I apart of yours.
Thank you for all the amazing memories.
Thank you for all the smiles.
All the hours logged in at the Kroger Parking lots.
All the cheap 2 liters we drank,
and of course the hundreds of sir pizza, pizzas we ate together.
Thank you for loving me,
and thank you for being my friend.
I love all of you guys and hope that you accept this apology. I am sorry for the way things have been in the past few years. Just know that I am trying now. If it is too late, I understand, but just know, I love you guys. All of you.
Long live the Homies.
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: Going Away To College
Artist: Blink 182
Album: Enema of the State
All pictures taken by various people who attended Charge.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Today I just wanted to recognize the life that I have had these 19 years. Don't worry don't read that and think, "dear God, Tanner is going to start from birth to the point where hes typing out this blog." Don't worry I don't have time, nor the proper recollection of my past for that. But there are things and people that I do remember who I believe need to be recognized.
For all of you who do not know, I have decided to move to Florida. It has been hands down the hardest decision of my life. I have had to literally analyze anything and everything about my life. Weigh the pros, weigh the cons. I walked around this earth miserable for the month of July basically. ￼I hated the thought about leaving my family. I hated the thought of change... But no matter what I said to God, profane and not, I still feel the move in my chest that tells me... Go. So in saying that I'll get on to the real subject of tonights blog...
This afternoon I decided to get started on sorting out clothes that I want to take with me when I move to Florida. I've put off this process because:
1) Nobody likes packing.
And 2) It makes me have to realize this is all really happening.
So I started on the clothes. Which anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a big shopper. So It was not the biggest war to take on. I finished relatively quick, and then moved onto another tub that I had sitting in what is left of my room. I opened the lid to the tub and inside was all my old school books and yearbooks. I sat there smiling looking through all my old notebooks full of terrible lyrics. I sat there and laughed out loud at some that were just so bad. I also sat and read some and it took me back to sitting in my bed jotting down little poems that released every bit of pain out of my head through a pen. Needless to say the poems/lyrics and notebooks full of school work and crap was very entertaining. I then opened up my yearbook from my senior year. Opening it up I thought, Dang... has it really been over a year?
Has it really?
And then I remember all that has taken place this year and I ask myself, "Wow that was only a year ago?" haha.
I then started going through the yearbook first starting with the faculty and staff. I see a picture of Mr. Norris and I can't help but laugh at his devious smirk that he holds on his face in that picture. I loved that guy. He was crazy as all get out, but I liked him because he would take my crap. I then surveyed over all the teachers and memories just started flooding my head. Being in the hallways and classrooms of Pleasant View Christian School. I remember the smell. I remember the feeling of walking in every morning. I remember the rush to classes during break. I remember the smiles and the disgusting looks my classmates would give each other each day.
I decided that I was already way too deep into thought to pull out of this flood of memories while glazing over the pictures.
Then I came upon all of the senior picture of the graduating class of 2009...
I just kind of stopped. Looking at all the faces of these people who were in my life for so long. I smiled. I couldn't help but see some faces and wonder if they are still alive. haha. I mean really, the only way people keep up with each other anymore is through texting or facebook. So when Christen Buck does not have a facebook, to my knowledge, I'm left to wonder if she's alive. haha.
I start looking over all the faces and all the good memories that come with each face.
Its weird, because I had no bad memories. You think that in high school you'd have these excruciating stories of humiliation or something. But I don't. Its a good feeling. Its a good feeling to see these faces and just have a warm feeling.
I remember thinking in high school terrible thoughts like....
"I'm never going to miss any of these people."
"I'm never going to miss this school."
Thoughts like that past my mind all the time. And then senior year came around and everything changed. I grew up a lot somehow. I realized, I had been a huge *#$#(* my whole school career and I had missed out on some amazing people. I had blown it for so many years. So I can easily say that my senior year was probably my favorite year of high school, because I felt that I gave everyone a chance, and I really benefited from that. I have some amazing and stupid memories. Memories like:
Painting trees in art class.
Driving Mr. Short to tears to keep out of class.
Picking our senior trip and all arguing over it.
Amazing classes with Coach Cutts.
Crystal Throwing up out my van window while "rolling" a teachers house.
So many memories I hold with these amazing people.
I know some of you may be shocked that Tanner Pemelton is even saying these things. Some of you may still have a bad taste in your mouth when you hear the name Tanner Pemelton. And that is my fault. And to all of you who have that feeling I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for being something other than a light amongst the hallways. I am sorry that I did not treat you like the wonderful person that you are...
So in saying all this, I'd love to say a couple things to all of you who I graduated with. Some memories and random crap and all the things that I never said to you that you deserve to hear...
The First person on the roster of 2009's graduating class is:
Ashley, I've got to honest with you, I feel as though I really never got the chance to really know you. You were always a kind person and I thank you for that. I am sorry that we spent so many months in a class of what? 20 kids? and I never got to know you. I wish you the best of luck and hope that life turns out amazing for you.
Christen are you alive? haha. I know that you are alive and if you somehow see this know that I always liked you. You were always someone who could make me laugh, and no it was not because I was laughing at you. You could always make me laugh no matter how crappy my day was. I remember one day just having a really bad day, and then you came up to me in art class. You walked right up to me without any introduction and asked me if I really liked the girl I was dating. I started laughing at the randomness of your question. You then took my laugh to just jump straight into, "Good, because I think you would look so much better with this girl." For some reason that is one of my favorite memories. Just your pure honesty and frankness was just refreshing. I hope that you are doing very well and that you moved on from people who may or may not have held you back in life. I know that even though you are a blonde, and may or may not have had like 300 vehicle violations, I know that you can do anything you put your mind too.
Alex where do I start? I think honestly the first memory that comes to mind when I think of your name may or may not be one your personal fondest memories. haha. I remember being in 8th grade in Mrs. Groves room and you must have been having a terrible day or something, and Mrs. Groves said something to you like, "Alex where are your friends" or something like that. Something that opened me up to say what I said. "Alex? What friends?" Now looking back, this is definitely not my fondest memory either. I remember you getting up going to the bathroom leaving me in the classroom looking at Mrs. Groves. She just gave me that, "you're an idiot" look. So I went to the bathroom to apologize for what I did. haha. Thats my first memory, and I don't know why. haha. Alex I realized my senior year that you are an awesome guy and can really do anything you put your mind too. We somehow ended up hanging out a couple of times after graduation, including zachs birthday party, and you pulling up randomly in my driveway with tyler houston and a brand new mohawk? haha. Thank you for never beating me up for being an @#$##$# in high school. I hope that all goes well with you man.
Caitlin, I know I have seen you a couple of times after we've graduated. And we talked a little bit. I heard that you already married?! what the heck is wrong with you?! I'm just kidding. But really common... You make a guy look pretty bad when I can't say I love you at 19 and you're already married. Way to go. haha. Caitlin I can remember all the computer classes we had together... Actually no I don't because you missed like all of them senior year. haha. Caitlin you were always very nice to me, even when I could tell you were having a bad day, and me talking to you secretly trying to cheer you up, never worked. I wish you the best with college and marriage(insert shaking of fists at you still). I know that you'll prosper in all aspects.
Colton, all the names listed above, I can kind of give a pass to myself for not getting to know them because they all came in a little late in our high school career. Well... maybe not alex, but either way, Alex was definitely not in my life as long as you were. I don't believe that I can justify the fact that I have known you for so many years and literally know little to nothing about you. I think its funny that we have actually talked probably more out of high school than we have in. Dude, you have a talent and love with you film. Run with it man. I know I am. You're going to do well at whatever you do. You I particularly think I somewhat owe an apology for the way I treated you through our childhood. Sorry man for being an idiot through so many parts of it. You are an awesome guy. And it shows in the amount of friends and successes you've had in all your accomplishments.
Nathan where do I start?
Oh, I know. The beginning.
First time I met you was at church when you came to sunday school at BCC. You walked in and sat there kind of quiet. And then the teacher asked what we did that week and you told the teacher that you and your dad made a hover craft. I of course being the little punk that I was, wrote you off as a nerd who would never get anywhere in life. haha. (this assessment was of course made at the age of 11.) And then you started going to PVCS and at about 7th grade we really became great friends. Dude you know how much I love you. We've definitely have had our rough times, wether it be in just being friends, or in a band(COTM forever). No matter what happened I know we always made it through whatever crap we had. I love you so much man, and I thank God for putting you in my life. You are an amazing and smart guy who I believe could be anything(except president. I sure as hell am not voting for you.) haha. Thank you for being my friend all these years.
Matthew. Matthew. Matthew.
I don't know if you know this or not, but you are the one person on this planet that makes me laugh the hardest. I don't know what it is about you, but every time I get around you, I get the giggles. You make me laugh so hard and all the time over the stupidest crap. One of the memories that comes to mind was back in third grade when your mom would come to school you would hang around me. I think it was to prove to your mom that you had friends. So we would act like we were best friends in front of your mom and then when she was gone we'd go back to normal.(what the heck man? what is wrong with us?) At least we became really good friends later on down the road. Thank you for all the laughs and all the memories we share. You have a great gift in drumming and I hope that it takes you exactly where you want to go buddy. Love ya man.
Cayla you were at PVCS when I first enrolled there in 2nd grade. haha. I think its safe to say we've known each other a long time.
I don't know if you remember in elementary school when you use to sit with me and Chris Turner as we had eating contest, but it definitely happened if you don't remember. haha. We use to sit every lunch and try to be the one to finish eating first, ( I have no recollection of why anymore, but i'm sure there was a very reasonable reason for it...). Cayla one thing I always loved about you was your laugh. I hope that your days are still full of laughter, even though they may not be spent in a classroom with all the people on this list and your dad. haha. (i miss science class probably the most btw.) I hope that you are doing well and that life leads you exactly where you want to be.
Wow. What a jerk.
I mean really, does anybody else know anybody else who had a full blown beard in the 6th grade?
I can answer that pretty quick... Nope nobody does.
Thanks for always making us feel inept with our facial hair cody. You jerk.
Just kidding. Cody you know how much I love you. In my opinion you are the one who is doing the best out of all of us. You have been gong to a school that you absolutely love. You are now past the year mark with your girlfriend brittany. Dude I am so proud of you. You have become an awesome guy. i've got to admit I was worried about you when we were younger. I mean... common you are the only guy I've ever known who burst into tears when receiving a D on a paper. And then after a long evil stare from Mrs. Raymer, she asked why you were crying, and you told her that you weren't going to be able to play Final Fantasy now. Cody I'm laughing at my computer right now. That is one of my favorite memories. But my all time favorite memory with you was actually in Mr. Riggs class. The topic of the day was Terri Shaivo. He was doing that thing where he tries to make us relate to something that is almost impossible to relate to and he asked, "Do any of you know what its like to be a vegetable?!" and you very quickly replied with, "I once dreamed I was a carrot." Thank for that moment and for being my friend. Love you man.
Bum. Bum. --- Bum. Bum.---Bum. Bum.
That is my poor representation of your favorite song... Crazy Train. haha. I'll never forget that you were the only guy I think I've ever known, and will ever know who could play that song on just about every instrument. haha. Tj, I really enjoyed getting to know you much more through worship band senior year. You are an awesome guy. I really don't know what you are doing now, but I'm sure that it something that you are passionate about. If you are as passionate about anything as you were with Crazy Train then I know that you can do anything. haha. Thanks for being such a great guy and for putting up with so much crap in high school that you didn't deserve.
Now that is a name that will echo the halls of PVCS for the rest of its duration. But not because you could bounce a ball alright... but because I'm pretty sure Bock screamed your name angrily about 300,000 times. haha. I swear man that woman must have hated you. haha. I don't think I'll ever forget the mexican food/dine and dash fiasco. That was ridiculous. But it brought so much enjoyment. Watching them try to take away your trip that you had already paid $2,000 to go on. As awesome as that memory was, I think my favorite memory with you was either, tricking you and making you believe that I was taking you home from zach's party, when I was really taking you to waffle house.... OR one day we had a very serious conversation in Roysdens creative writing class. It was you, Tyler Kreger, and I sat there for the whole class period and really just talked about God and all the crap we were struggling with at the time. That was the day that I realize you really are an awesome guy. Thanks for all the laughs, and for the memories. I hope life is going well. And I pray that you still don't talk to that girl from the A Day To Remember concert. haha.
Jamie you were one of my best friends all through high school. I remember when you we first traded numbers in Bible Class because we got a new seating arrangement and all we use to do in Mrs. Rogers Bible class was just write notes about random crap. Thank you for all the fun memories we have, and I am sorry that there are some bad ones in there. Thank you for being there all those times that you were there for me. I know that God has a plan for your life, and I believe that you are chasing it. Keep going and I know God will bless you.
Tyler you showed up at my house this week and it was so weird to see your face again. haha. I know what a weird way to start this post about you off right? haha. Tyler I remember one of my first days at PVCS I was washing my hands in the bathroom and you walked up behind me and starting drying your hands. I still remember this clearly. I remember looking at you and saying, "hey... You want to be friends?" and you said, "Yeah." and that was all it took. haha. I wish we could stay as easy and innocent as we were in 2nd grade. Tyler you are an awesome guy. We have shared so many memories together throughout the years. You are just an all around great guy. Keep pursuing that music of yours, I know how much you love it. And start hanging out with people under the age of 70! Look around you and realize they're people out there who want to be your friend and not just because you play music. Surround yourself with some amazing people and I know they will build you up buddy. You're such a great guy and I know that you're going to end up exactly where you want and need to be one day. Love ya man.
Melissa, I remember first day I met you. I was coming back to PVCS after having left for the first semester to go to Sycamore Middle. I walked in, like 30 minutes late of course, and I saw all of my guys first off and then I looked over and I saw you sitting next to TJ foster and everyone was saying something about how you guys were now dating. haha. And I remember the look on your face. You looked a little confused. haha. Melissa, there is so much that I could say about you. But the one thing that I need to say the most is.. Thank you. Thank you and your family for taking me in when you guys did(let your family know that I still think of them and love them. I still drive through Harris Farms with my fingers crossed, hoping to see shaun walking). I know that you definitely impacted my life, and I hope that I impacted your life, in a good way. I won't doubt it if one day I turn on my tv and I see the new season of Project Runway and you being one of the next contestants. I have no idea what you want to do with your life, but I've always known you to be a fashionista. Thank you for all the laughs, serious moments, and memories. I hope the best for you.
Chris, I don't know if you remember this or not, but you are the only person who has successfully made me pee in my pants from laughing so hard. You were in my basement one night imitating a mentally challenged person making prank phone calls and I couldn't stop laughing. I still see the face that you were making into your fake telephone. Chris, we go way back. I remember playing Jr. pro basketball with you. That was like a century ago(and yes for all of you reading, that was tanner pemelton saying that he played a sport). Chris you are very gifted individual and I can't wait to see where God takes you next.
Crystal, you are one of the few that I have known since 2nd grade. thats 13 years?! holy crap thats a long time. But i feel as though with 13 years I should've gotten to know you a little bit better than I did. haha. I apologize for that. But nonetheless I know that I share plenty of memories with you. One of my favorite memories actually happened when we were in like 3rd grade. So I don't know that you'll remember this.So you and I were "goin out" or whatever we called it back then. And then one day in PE I ran into a wall playing dodgeball or wallball. I ran straight into the wall and hit my chin. My chin then turned purple. A couple days later, you "broke up" with me. I remember going "ok... thats ok"(being that in 3rd grade a break up was like a pb&j sandwich without the jelly. It was ok. haha) So I remember asking you one of the next days, "hey crystal, why did you break up with me?" and I'll never forget what you said. "Why would I date someone with a purple chin."- I am laughing at my computer right now typing this.- I also never forget the time that we went rolling and someone thought it would be smart to let you try dip for the first time? And then you got sick on the way to Roysdens. I felt so bad for you. I remember sitting in the car with you making sure you were all right while everyone else was rolling his house. And then of course you remember the rest of that nightmare. People calling cops. Driving people all across Ashland city. people hiding behind churches. haha you know. Normal PVCS stuff. Crystal thank you for all the memories and laughs, Don't worry I hold no grudge for the vomit that I cleaned off of the car that night. If anything I only felt so bad for you. I know you felt sick. haha. Crystal you are definitely a powerful force. You could definitely do anything if you put your mind to it. Surround yourself with the right people to build you up and nobody would be able to tear you down. I hope and pray that everything is going well for you.
What an Idiot.
Kaitlin out of everyone that I graduated with, I really feel you are the one that I really did not know. I don't mean that offensively at all. I say that to say that I am sorry about that. There is definitely no reason at all for us to have not really gotten to know each other. You were there since like 8th grade? Anyway I am sorry about that. One thing that I'll never forget about you though is how worked up you would get at the teachers. haha. I don't know that I ever heard anyone say that they hated the teachers as much as you did. haha. Thank you for always being kind to me even though I really never get to know you. I hope all is going well for you.
Bonny Kate Simpkins.
Bonny Kate, you too are one of those few people that I have known since 2nd grade. I actually have a couple memories worth mentioning, but I'll stick with my favorite probably. You may not know this but your dad was actually the first girl's dad that I ever had answer the phone on me. You hear all these horror stories about boys calling a girl and the girls dad answers the phone and the guy just freaks out because he's so scared to say, "Is so and so home?" haha. Well your dad was the first one for me. And yeah... I about crapped my pants. I think I was calling you on your birthday or something, this was in like elementary school. But I don't remember the year, I really only remember the phone call. I remember dialing your number and then hearing your dads voice on the receiver. I stood there holding the phone trembling. I probably said hello again. I finally said, "Is Bonny kate there?..." pee was probably running down my leg at this point. haha. He then asked.. "well can I ask whose speaking?" At this point the gun was in my mouth, but I managed to say Tanner and then he gave the phone to you. haha. That is probably the most significant of all the memories that I hold with you Bonny Kate. haha. One thing that you should know that I don't think that I ever told you in school is that I have always deeply respected you. You have such a loving presence about you. Its very unique. I know one day you will grow up and you will move mountains in peoples lives with your loving and kindness. Thank for all the laughs, pee stains, and memories bonny kate. I pray that all is going as you have planned.
Madeline, I remember the first day that you came to PVCS. Its was in 5th grade and I remember seeing you walk in and you sat in the desk across from me. Some of the guys, maybe it was just tyler, I don't really remember, told me to say something to you. So I remember looking at you, seeing your birthmark on your face and then saying, "So... did you spill coffee on your face or is that a birthmark?..." I sink in my seat now at the thought of that line. haha. Actually I'm laughing sadly. Madeline, I thank God that that moment isn't the only one that I have shared with you. Wether it be serious conversations in my car on the way to a bowling alley in springfield, or it be playing games in art class all the memories I have of you are good ones. Thank you for always being joyful and vibrant. You are an awesome person, don't let anyone bring you down.
Maddy you've got to know right off the bat that I have always had a soft spot for you. I have no idea why, but i've told people that I always looked at you like a weird cousin or sister or something. haha. I know thats weird and random but its true. I'll never forget the time that you and me pretty much ran the video shoot for the spanish video that we did.(ours totally kicked the other teams video. duh. haha) Another thing that I'll never forget though is also some of the gross things that happened to you. Like the bubble on your tongue or whatever in God's name that was. haha. And then how could anyone forget the infamous "No shaving the legs" stint you pulled back in like 8th or 9th grade. haha. Maddy your an awesome individual with a big heart. Don't ever let anyone bring you down in this world. Keep up the good work. And keep shaving those legs... haha.
Zach St. Lawrence.
Zach you'll probably never read this. haha. I'm not even going to lie and say that you will but I'm going to write one about you anyway. I'll never forget the first time I met you. I was taking a shower and Emma ran in the bathroom screaming, "hey tanner, your friend zach is here." I kept thinking in my head, "zach... zach.... whose zach?" so I got out of the shower put on some clothes and went out to the warehouse to see you and John David in my warehouse. I remember having an awkward conversation about which girls you thought were hot and not out of our class(we had this convo since I was not attending PVCS at the time). haha. You seemed kind of freaked out and then you left. Who would've known that we would be as close as we were and are now from that first interaction? Not me. Dude you know I love you and would do anything for ya. I hope that you put your mind to whatever you want to do in this life and just pursue it. Surround yourself with some strong people and nobody will be able to stop you. Love you man.
Honestly Chris I have way too many memories with you. haha. Ive known you since 2nd grade as well, and for some reason a thousand memories flood my mind when I think of your name. One of my favorites is I remember I liked this girl, and then on valentines day, I remember you got her something like a necklace and some candy. You totally showed me up, with my little card and candy. haha I remember being so pissed, but the thought of it now makes me laugh pretty hard. Chris i know at times we've had competition at different things, and I really don't know why. You are so smart and funny and I am confident that one day I'l be hearing about you man. I hope all is well with you and I hope to hear your name soon on the television. Unless your running for president... then I probably won't vote for you. But thats because I don't believe in politics. haha. Keep strong man, and keep in contact.
Elizabeth, you are again another one of the few I have known since 2nd grade. But I have to admit grades 2 through 5 really shouldn't count because I was so scared of you. haha. I remember hearing that you thought I was cute the first year that I got there, so I made sure to avoid you. haha. I then of course got to know you alot better after I got over not being scared of you. Now in saying that do know that I am very scared of you in an argument still to this day. I would never want to get in a full fledged argument with you because, no offense, you're pretty scary when you're intense. haha. just kidding. Elizabeth I would not be shocked if you became the first female president. Thats an honest statement. You've got the drive and the passion to conquer the world. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. I hope all is well with you.
Now really, I have no idea if you'll ever read this, or at this point, if you're even alive. haha. I hope all is well with you. I am sorry that I really never got to know you too well. I mean yes, we share some memories together but most of those are because you were Melissa Massey's best friend. Hannah I hope that everything is going exactly as you have planned it to be. I don't know if your still looking to go into pharmaceutical drugs, but if so... power to ya. haha. I know i could never do that. And I also know that nobody would ever want to accept any drugs dealt by me. haha. I wouldn't trust myself. I hope that you are doing well and that you are still as bright and as fun as you were.
So there you go. There you have it. There are a lot of fun and hard memories in there.
I really want to say to all of you...
Thank for being apart of my life.
Apart of my life that I treasure now.
I look back and I think good thoughts, not bad.
I look back and I miss it. I miss you guys. I miss the fun. I miss the laughter.
I actually miss it.
I don't know how any of you feel, but I hope a little piece of you feels the same.
Life goes on though. Life is taking us all to new places and on new adventures. One thing that I don't ever want to forget though, is my basis. My roots. And really you guys are apart of that roots system. I grew up with you guys day in and day out for 12 years! holy crap. 12 years! thank you for the influence that you guys have had on my life.
I know that we are all different people now, and really that is a good thing. I think it helps us to appreciate what we have and what we have had.
I hope I haven't made anyone feel weird or awkward. I only speak from a place of love and honesty.
And on that note I have one last thing to say....
I love all of you and thank you for being apart of my life.
Media Associated With This Post:
Album: New Surrender
Song: Haight St.
Album: New Surrender
All photos poorly scanned by Tanner Pemelton. Taken from 2008-2009 PVCS year book.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Last night I drove my friend Jordan home. Jordan lives right off of Gallatin Rd. On my way back to my house I stopped at the Checkers on Gallatin rd. As I was pulling out of the driveway I saw a visual that shook me up for the rest of the night, and still is sifting through me as I write this.
I watched a woman walk down the sidewalk. She was wearing a small skirt and a regular blouse and was carrying her purse. Nothing about her appearance caught my attention. What caught my attention was squealing tires. As the woman was walking down the street, another man was pulling out of Checkers. Right as he was about to pull out onto Gallatin rd, he saw the woman. He came to a full stop, all his tires squealed and dragged across the pavement. As the car came to a stop, the girl looked at the car for a split second and then ran over to the passenger door. Once the door closed, the man sped off onto Gallatin Rd, and into the night.
I sat there holding my food that I has just gotten from the woman at the window and tried to gather in my head all that just happened. After replaying the scene in my head and realizing what part of town I was in, I realized something.... She wasn't a woman just taking a stroll down the street at 8:45 p.m. He wasn't a casual acquaintance of hers. They did not know each other. The only thing they shared in the moment of the tires squealing and the cars sudden halt, was eye contact, and the knowledge of her profession. She was a prostitute.
I see the image playing over and over in my head. Him seeing her. Tires squeal. She sees him. She realized she had a customer, and then that brief moment before making the decision to jump in the car.
The tires squealing was her bell at the front desk, and he rang it. She came to his service, and then they drove off. I could see her place her feet on the dash and look at the driver and into the night and out of my life they vanished.
The whole situation was really just surreal to me.
I drove home that night thinking about that situation. Thinking about her. Thinking about how she and so many women in this world give up their beauty, their bodies, and their well being all for the sake of acceptance and in some cases money. I couldn't help but just feel so sad for the woman.
The thing was there was nothing about this woman that in my mind screamed prostitute. That might be the fact that bothered me the most. She was normal. She wasn't in character on the street. She was herself, selling herself. There were no stilettos, red top and black mini-skirt. It was a 28 year year walking around this dangerous street, just as she would if she was walking around the mall. There was no makeup to see a girl hiding under. There was no smile on her face that was used to hide her grief. She was normal. I saw her in her everyday attire and life was worn on her face.
But the moment that bothers me the most in the whole tire squeal service last night was that, pause. That pause she took before getting in the passenger door. That pause where she looked into his eyes, knew his intentions and had thoughts running through her mind. But she rejected all those thoughts that you knew ran through her head like:
"You're better than this."
"You don't have to do this."
Instead she went with the thoughts of:
"If you don't do this how will you ever make money?"
"You're worthless anyway... get in the car."
And then she got in the car.
To me this event is just one of the few things that I have seen or been told recently involving girls/women who are being abused. Girls who are being so mistreated by a society of pigs and their filth. I see these girls and I mourn for them. I hate that look in their eyes of being worthless. That look of no value... hallowed eyes. It kills me to see this look. And I know I may be 19 years old, but I've seen this look in so many girls and women. Too many times!
Back in February I wrote another blog called, "Woman: God's Gift... That We Shatter."(http://tannerpemelton.blogspot.com/2010/02/fragile.html) What I do not want is for this post to just be another repeat of that one. This situation is different from the last one, but at the same time, they share the same root. Men who are taking advantage of God's gift... And Women who are not treating themselves for the gift and person they really are.
So instead of writing about us men and how we are the problem in this society for the way we view women, I want to turn the table this time. Take the situation that I just told you about. Even though when you read that story, you feel sorry for the woman, and you victimize her psychologically, she had just as much to do with what happened as he did. He was merely a customer...
How many times in your life have you felt like merely just a product on a shelf that men pass by to pick up, stare at, and then throw you on the ground?
How many times in your life have you felt valueless?
How many times have you done something, or gone somewhere farther than you were comfortable because you wanted to feel loved?
How many times have you jeopardized you, your purity, and your body for the sake of acceptance?
I'm not saying that every woman struggles with this. But so many in this society do. So many in my world alone do. I don't even want to imagine what it is like on a full world spectrum, when my point of perspective here is overflowing with so much hurt and anguish.
So for you that feel that hurt and that anguish, I am sorry. I am so sorry that you feel that way. But I do want to remind you that you are worth so much more than you tell yourself. You are a gift to this earth, you are a blessing. You don't have to give men anything to feel loved. I am sorry if your daddy wasn't around when you were growing up. He should've been the one to teach you real love. I'm sorry if you had a dad but he abused you and scarred you on the topic of men and of love. I am sorry.
But what you have to remember is that you are loved. You are loved by a God who created you and never once, NEVER ONCE looks at you like a marketable piece that can be sold on a street. He loves you in your purest state all the time.
And what you also have to remember is that not all men are like those who have hurt you or abused you. Not all men are the same. If one is abusing you and or making your feel completely worthless. Walk away. Surround yourself with men who do make your feel of value without anything in return. Just because there are moments where the guy who hits you, really makes you feel special, that does not mean you have to stay with him. I urge you... walk away.
If you find yourself in a place of danger or a place of jeopardizing yourself, walk away.
Not only women face that decision. We all do. We all have been in a situation where we are standing before a danger.. And we pause. Its in that pause that we make our decisions... And I urge you to walk away.
That woman last night had that moment. She stopped and for a moment paused. She made eye contact and knew what the man wanted, and then she paused. The thoughts started to run through her head...
We've all been there.... gathering out thoughts. And we've all heard those voices that run through our minds at those times...
Remember your worth.
Remember your value.
You do not have a price sticker that lies under your clothes... You have a soul and a personality. You are not just a physical body to be given to anyone. You are a gift... You are a blessing....
So again, I urge you.
When you find yourself standing before an enemy or a situation that you are putting yourself, your body, your reputation, your everything on the line. Look the enemy in the eyes and shake your head, and watch as your enemy drives off into the night and out or your life...
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: Night Drive
Artist: Jimmy Eat World
All pictures taken from google images