"The Devil has ensnared my soul for the time being,
He has shifted my vision and I hate what I am seeing.
Today I feel, as if I am worth nothing to everyone.
I feel that I will be the reasoning to my own destruction.
Looking into the mirror I hate what is reflected,
'You're hideous, worthless, you are nothing but art obstructed.'
But gaze deeper, then you will see in the reflection,
These are not my own words; This is not even my own inflection.
With the devil beside me I can spiral anywhere.
He whispers downward is his set path, with my frail soul ensnared.
His voice is anything but sweet,
But today he got the best of me"
-Ensnared by Tanner Pemelton
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel as if you weigh nothing?
Have you ever feel like you have no mass in this universe that we are floating in?
Do you ever feel as if you are just worthless?
Today I looked down at my gas tank and noticed that it was in the red. And I couldn't help but just slam my hand into the steering wheel and just feel so frustrated. "Why am I always in the red?!" "Why am I always scratching the bottom of the barrel?!" I couldn't help but stare into that stupid meter and start to relate with that little gauge. I was staring into it feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Empathizing with the gauge, I felt as if it was speaking truth into my life...
"The Devil has ensnared my soul for the time being..."
But then I shook my head and snapped out of it.
I pulled into the gravel drive way next to me and turned around and drove back two miles back to put some gas in my car.
It's in the 20's here in Tennessee today, so when I got gas, I shoved the nozzle into my gas tank and then jumped back in my warm car waiting for the $10 of gas to flow into my gas tank. While sitting there I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed in myself. How could I let myself get to that point? How could I let myself get to this point?
Earlier today, I sat in the Charlotte McDonald's piecing together my Creative Portfolio to turn into UCF this week. As I sat there listening to John Mayer's Heavier Things, I couldn't help but stare into the screen just feeling so overwhelmed. I had set out to write my second essay for the portfolio today, but that essay is supposed to be a criticism on one of your writings that you turn into the portfolio. So I sat there and read through the numerous finished scripts, unfinished scripts and short stories that I have written over the past year. Staring into the screen I couldn't help but feel like a joke. I kept thinking to myself, "what are you thinking? None of these are good at all. You have no chance at all, you might as well give up now."
"You're hideous, worthless, you are nothing but art obstructed..."
I couldn't help but just read my own writings and just feel so inferior to the other people who are applying into the UCF film program, funny thing is... I've never read anything by any of those candidates, SO I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL INFERIOR. But I did. I just sat there thinking about how my writings are nothing special. Its just dialog and stories that drive me, no one else. They are not philosophical breakdowns on the controversies of today. They are not Odes to Citizen's Kane, or other classic films.
Thinking all this I couldn't help, but just remember...
That doesn't matter.
I am applying into the program as me, Tanner Pemelton. Why would I turn in anything that I wasn't proud of myself. Why wouldn't I turn in something that I found powerful and worth showing to other people?
So with the new set mind set, I sat and began to read excerpts from something I am very proud of. I have a 45 page script I wrote called, Awkward Times at Cresent View(Its somewhat of a satire on my christian school experience). I wrote it as a Pilot episode for a television series. I spent weeks writing it back in April and May of this last year. I would set up my bookfairs and then get lost in writing and rewriting this script. To this day I think its the work I'm most proud of right now.
Why did I allow myself to look at it as if it was crap?
Whose voice was that? What part of me was putting down the written material I am most proud of?
"With the devil beside me I can spiral anywhere..."
After getting gas in my car, I started on my way back towards home. I could feel the day on my sleeves, so I started shuffling through my ipod searching for a little bit of hope. And that's exactly what I found. I scrolled down to the R's and right after Regina Spector and right before Rick James sat Relient K...
This past weekend, I saw Relient K play an acoustic set at Rocketown. It was exactly what I needed. I forgot how much I loved Relient K. There music is just hopeful and no matter what kind of day I'm having I feel as if I can sit and relate with Matt Theissen. He is one of those lyricist that I feel really just lays everything down on paper. He relates all of his feelings, all of his insecurities and doubts all on the page. I truly respect him for that.(And yes, I have heard the rumors that he has recently just decided to turn away from Christianity and the christian label... but really? Can you blame him? You go on the road and live that life for that long and try to stay grounded in your faith. I'm not saying that it justifies the action, but I can see where it happens. But this is a completely different blog post all together.)
But back to the trip home.
I started playing Relient K's "Forget and Not Slow Down." I couldn't help but just feel my whole chest lift. The funny thing is, the album is not really the most uplifting album lyrically. Its not a huge downer, but it's not the biggest upper every. haha But their music is so uplifting, you can't help but just get lost in it.
While listening to the album, somewhere between the amazing tracks "Therapy" and "Savannah" I couldn't help but just start praying and realizing...
"Today he got the best of me..."
I am always skeptical of people whenever people say things like, "That's the devil." Or "The enemy of your soul is trying to get you." I know I'm a little jerk, but at times I can help but just go, why is that the devil? Just because its bad? A bad day is from the devil? I think not. I think that's just bad luck... But then I looked back into my day and all the thoughts that passed through my mind. All the things that I put myself down for. All the things that weren't like me.
I couldn't help but realize, I let the devil get the best of me today.
If it wasn't the devil than it was insecurities and darkness that I let get ahold of me. No matter what name you put on it, you can't help but relate to that if you've ever had a day like this.
Have you ever had days where you just let the voices in your head take over?
Do you ever feel captive to your own pessimism and negativity?
Sometimes we have to realize that we are slowly being constricted. We are slowly falling deeper and deeper into darkness. Most of the times, I don't realize I am there till the end of the day. I hate that.
I wish I could catch it at the beginning of it... Maybe I do, but I flirt with the ideas longer and longer and allow them to consume me.
I know that we all fall victim to this every now and then.
I encourage you to surround yourself with some great people...
Surround yourself with some amazing music...
Surround yourself with whatever reminds you of hope...
This world doesn't have to be as dark as we make it out to be...
Its all a mindset that we choose...
So how will you react? Will you allow yourself to be constricted by your own insecurities next time or will you nip it in the bud before it starts?
I know for me it will probably happen again, but I know after today, I will be able to catch it faster than I have before.
And I also know that I am surrounded by a lot of amazing people, and amazing music that reminds me to look for the hope and brightness in the world.
So no matter how sweet his voice may or may not be,
I will not allow the devil to get the best of me, again, or at least anytime soon.
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: Forget and Not Slow DownArtist: Relient K
Album: Forget and Not Slow Down
1 comment:
I have those days all too often - it is easy to be discouraged. I look at my work, I look at myself, and I ask - how am I any different? What about me stands out? Am I easily recognized for my individuality by others? Why would I be chosen? Why am I special? Am I special?
And it's the small things that upset me. The details of my actions, of others reactions - those are what get me. No one else might notice, but I do. And eventually, the small things amount. I hold onto them. And they begin to build, and build - and that seductive voice whispers dark lies in my heart, and I am inclined to believe them. The words match my circumstances, so they must be true.
And then I fall. And I fall hard.
It's not until I whip out my Bible, blow off the dust, and realize: the answers, the reassurance, the hope - it's all here. And I am convicted, as well - what upsets me upsets me for a reason, and something needs to change. I need to place my faith and my trust not in myself, but God. I easily take my Bible for granted. It's not hard to find a Bible in America. We have at least a dozen in my home. But some people don't. They don't have that comfort, because their government in corrupted or they can't afford a Bible.
While I was in Ethiopia on my missions trip, I watched a team member pull his own personal Bible out of his bag and hand it to the airport security guard who asked the rich American missionaries for something so simple: an English Bible.
Some days, I want to let go. What difference does this life make, anyways? It's temporary. So why bother trying? Is it really worth the stress and the commitment and the pain? But the rewards are much more rich when I receive them after enduring a hard time. I know that is the case for you - you have found closure and you have gained discretion from this. And though you might go through fire to get to your reward, it'll be worth it, because God promised you that this is your life.
Post a Comment