Monday, August 23, 2010
Most stories have a beginning and an end. Thats the thing that we don't comprehend in our lives when we are living them. We don't see the story unfolding. We don't see the build to the climax of the tale. We just feel lost. Lost in the midst of our lives as if no story is taking place. Its only when the life is over that we see the story in its completion... And in saying that, I digress to say, here I am... A little lost.
Now before I go on, I need to state this from the very beginning. The decision to move to Florida, I do strongly believe was the right decision. I prayed and prayed and cussed God out over this decision, but I know that this is where I am suppose to be. Even writing this out I feel a bit of comfort in my chest. This is right. So don't worry I am not writing to say that I made the wrong decision or that I am not being loved by my florida family.
Right now I am sitting on my best friends bed. The bed is made and the computer lies in my lap. Occasionally I stop typing and stare out the open window at the Florida weather. Its grey outside and a storm is definitely afoot. I feel like I have been sitting like this for a while. Its now starting to rain...
Last thursday I packed up my car, put the keys in my ignition and started the drive to Land O'Lakes Florida. This in the history of Tanner Pemelton, is the hardest decision and move I have ever made in my life. I could spend hours writing about the feelings I had when stepping out of the house, getting into my car, waving bye to my mom. But I don't know that I am ready to write about all that right now. I drove all day long and at 9:30 that night I parked my car outside of the Graves house. I sat there for a second and then got out of the car and walked into the house. I was greeted with hugs and questions and then I remember just sitting down on the couch then talking through "the plan" with Mrs. Kim with school and everything. I then walked upstairs to the room I would be staying in, set down all my stuff then sat down on the bed that the Graves had made for me.
I don't know that I'll forget that feeling while I sat on that bed and talked to my friend nathan. After a while I pulled out my computer and got on Facebook. The second I had logged into the site I knew it was a bad decision. I was fighting tears from calling my dad to tell him I had made it, and now I was logging onto the site that all my friends and family back home were on. It was too much for that day. I talked to a couple of friends who wanted to make sure I was ok and see how the long drive went, and then I talked to my second second mom, Lorrie Harden, who told me that I should get off because it was too hard. So I did... I laid there in bed talking to my friend, and then we put on a season of Scrubs that I had bought. So that night I fell asleep to the comfort of something I knew. Something that wasn't new to me. In that moment Turk and J.D. acted as good friends giving me a pat on the back, telling me its ok.
Now this is all dreary and depressing so far and I"m sorry. Thats not how I'm intentionally making this out to be. Take word from the Almost and "Blame it on the Southern Weather."
Ever since that first day and first night, the days have been easier. And with every night I gain a little more sleep and with every day I gain a little more energy for the day.
I knew that this move would be huge and that it would be hard for the first little while. I just don't know that I thought it would hit me as hard as it did, and does in waves every now and again.
The thing is... I know that this is healthy.
I'm not depressed.
I remember the last time I came down here with cooper. I was here for a long weekend and then drove home with Jonathan Pfahl that monday while cooper stayed behind. On the saturday, which was the 3rd or 4th day of the trip I was explaining to all the guys how weird it is to come down to Florida for a vacation. I told them, Its really hard for me to fully dive in and feel super comfortable for a couple of days. I have to adjust. I have to find a place of relaxation, a place that I can tell myself that it is ok to do nothing. I know this may all sound weird to some, but I know some of you relate to this as well. I am just one of those people who have to go through that adjusting period. That period of being ok with laying on the couch and doing nothing. I struggle with that at times surprisingly.
Today I woke up at 9:30 called the college that I am looking to attend to ask some questions about some paperwork they are requesting for, and then that was all I had for the day... That was the only thing that I knew I had to do today. That is an odd feeling. Waking up and doing what you had planned to do for that day, and being done with it at 10 am... I took a shower, then came and laid down on my bed. I picked up a book I have been reading, "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus and started reading. It took me a little while though to come to the conclusion to sit and read. It felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything and I felt like somehow I was failing myself in someway by doing that...
But then after some prayer and reading I realized it was ok. Its ok to sit here and do nothing sometimes. Its ok to not have anything major on the agenda.
I was sitting today and I thought about Adam in the Garden of Eden. I know there had to be days where he didn't have anything on the agenda. All the animals had been named. All the plants had names, all the work he had to do was complete. On those days I am sure that he just walked to the garden. Just him and God spending the day walking the Garden. I couldn't help but think that maybe we have it wrong sometimes. I know I think that I have to accomplish something. But God even established one day of the week to rest. Complete rest. So I know that his original intention and design was designed to have rest. You know there were probably moments where God probably left Adams side physically and told Adam, "Adam, go take a nap, you need rest. Good work today." Now I'm not going a spill about rest to say that its ok to rest when there is work to be done. No no no. But I am saying for you who have trouble adjusting, its ok to rest at times. Heck, God rested on the 7th day after creation. Its ok to take a day and rest, not accomplish anything.
So thats where I sit today. I am in a state of adjustment.
I miss my family.
I miss my home.
But both me and my family know that this is where I am suppose to be. Things happened that I thought would never happen. Things and relationships were fixed, and I know that was a sign from God that was confirmation on the move. So I am in no way shape or form in a state of doubt over the decision. I am just in state of transition. A state of reflection and to some extent mourning.
But with every day rises a new sun. A sun that feels brighter on my face. A sun that I know shines because of the God who created it. The same God who I believe pushed me to be in this exact spot that I am sitting now.
Although some days may be harder than others, I know there is a reason for it all. I know that this is a good thing.
I also know that I am in a good place.
I can not thank the Graves family enough for putting up with me. They are providing so much for me, and I am eternally grateful for their support and help.
They of course are no Pemelton family, but they are the wonderful people and family that I have grown with outside of my own home. It only makes sense that I would be here for just another step in my life.
But as I said, I know they are not trying to take the place of my family. Nobody could fill those shoes. I miss you guys so much, and love you guys. Know that I hurt physically at how much I miss seeing you guys every morning when I wake up. Thats why a webcam is becoming a necessity. haha. I love you guys so much and thank you for everything. Now keep calling and texting! It doesn't have to be me to start the conversations. But I know you guys are busy too. Just know that I love you so much.
So here I sit. On a bed. Looking out the window at the rain falling down. I know there is a path set before me and I am pursuing it. Even now I am exercising my writing. But I sit here transitioning. Transitioning into a speed of life. I also stand here looking ahead and behind. But thats ok. Its all apart of this healing process.
I am sorry if this post does not hold a huge moral or pick me up at the end of it. This post is more or less designed to just mentally dump all that my head has been going through these last couple of days. So many of us are going through transitions now. With school and college and jobs. I know that I am not the only one feeling this awkwardness. This transition. Just remember, we're going to make it.
We are all going to be ok.
The fears that hold us back probably are not anywhere near as bad as we think they are.
With God at our sides I know that we will be fine.
I know that I am fine and will finally come to a place of complete comfort one day. But its all in that transition time. I am learning. I am growing. And that is what matters.
I know through the trials and troubles and pain I have been through that in the end a flower blossomed. Something at the end of all the pain was there waiting for me. So am looking forward to seeing that rose. Looking forward to seeing that "purpose for the pain" as Renee Yohe put it.
So until I see that rose, or feel that complete comfort I will be here. Continually listening to The Cranberries, Needtobreathe, anberlin, and all the bands that I call comfort music.
I'll continue to watch movies and get lost into stories for comfort's sake.
While Waiting for that rose to blossom.
But I know that rose is blossoming even now as I type...
Thank you for all the opportunities you have provided me with.
Thank you for this life.
Help me through all the feelings and emotions that I am tackling everyday.
I know there is a purpose for this life, for this move. Help me to stay focused on that every day.
Be with me and my family as we are all adjusting. And please help us to feel your love and mercy shine down on us like the sun.
I love you so much, and thank you for everything that I have.
I could sing of your love forever a worship leader once, help me to feel the same way.
Thank you for everything. And help us all to see where you are leading us.
We love you,
In your name we pray.
Media Associated With This Post:
Artist: The Cranberries
Album: Everyone Else Is Doing it, So Why Can't We?
All Pictures Taken By Tanner Pemelton