Friday, July 16, 2010
Out From Hiding...
It is easier to close your eyes or hide than it is to realize the speeding truck heading your way in your lane...
It has been a very long time since I have written a blog on here.
I have had many ideas for many different blogs, but something has stopped me every time...
I have had a blockade in my mind that has kept me from writing on this blog, and now I think it is time to remove the trees and brush that have built up along the path. I have felt that I have needed to discuss some of the issues I have been facing and at times hiding from over the past month or so. I want to upfront and honest with the 4 or 5 of you guys who may read this blog to keep up with me and see how I am doing. So here we go. Time to come out from hiding.
Where to even start?
Well first things first. I have finally come to the conclusion that I would like to pursue film as my career. More descriptively, I would love to pursue Screenwriting and Directing. I basically want to become Quinten Tarantino (give or take a couple things here and there, I don't want to be remembered for my violence or scenes from Pulp Fiction. haha). But I would love to do what he does in writing a film and shooting it. Its funny that this was never a career I thought of before this year. Me and my friend Nathan Graves use to sit in his closet in his old house in Hendersonville, Tennessee and dream up all these elaborate video ideas(for 10 year olds) and then we would spend all day shooting videos. We then would all gather in the living room at the end of the day and watch our beautiful creations. We would all sit there and laugh at just the sight of us being on a camera and our own stupid jokes. For a child this isn't contrived or self indulgent. It was innocent fun and the joy of bringing something into creation from nothing. I think Nathan would agree with me on that. So from being a young boy shooting videos at my friends house, to being a life long movie buff and probably outspoken critic at times, it only makes sense that I would at least think of the idea of movies for a career.
Nope. Never thought of it till one day this last year.
But one thing that actually brought me to that conclusion was actually this very blog. This very blog helped me remember and realize my love for creating, and for writing. This blog in itself helped me to get to where I am today. I know that sounds so retarded to give credit to something that is just my own personal ramblings, but it did. The feeling of accomplishment I received from just writing out my thoughts and then putting pictures and music to the theme was the same feeling of watching those videos we made when we were young. I made something out of nothing.
Now before I go any further, I think I need to clarify. I don't have a God complex. haha.
So with this realization of my plan A, I also have come to a conclusion on my plan B as well. I am going to take courses that I need to become an English teacher, or at least a substitute english teacher. Writings and literature have always been a passion of mine, and so have kids, its the best of both worlds.
So with these realizations or decisions that I have made now another thing has come to the surface...
Where do I go for this?
What school do I need to look into for this?
What credentials do I need to get?
Does schooling even matter in a world that is quintessentially chance anyway just as the music business is?
So many questions come to the surface. So many different things bombard your mind when you finally know what direction you would at least like to set the destination as.
For the last month or so I have been psychologically fighting with myself. In and out every day I have woken up to a battle in my mind. I would wake up at 7 in the morning and try to go back to sleep but not be able to fall back asleep because my mind had already started in on itself yet again. I would think of the positives if I chose to go with option A, and then I would realize the consequences of the choice as well and then I would try and weigh them out together and always come up short either way.
I went on like this going back and forth, for at least a month. But something about this monday I just somewhat threw up my arms and said screw it. I don't walk around anymore miserable because of the battle that goes on that nobody else can see except through my long and exhausted looking face.
One of the issues that was really hurting me was the issue of Time. I started to really look at all my options around the end of June.
Now most people may have their college plans and what not all planned out by the beginning of their senior year, but that wasn't me. I am not a person who has really loved school. And I don't think that all of that is because of the location of where I did my schooling. I thought when I was in high school that it was probably because I was in a christian school or something, but I realize its my attention span for things. When I am in love with a subject I really advance in it. I don't want to sound like I am boasting or anything, thats not the message of this. I am saying that when I am in love with something I put my all in it. A great example of that would be like my church. I put my all into because I love it. Now lets compare that to Geometry. I put enough to get by in Geometry because I didn't care. Now I realize that is not even a fair comparison. haha people compared to numbers and graphs. Let me restate that, English i excelled in and Geometry I did not. I loved English and hated Geometry. I did not have the attention span for the subject(just like you the reader don't have the attention span for this paragraph. haha) All this to say, school has not been something that really came easy to me or was a real passion of mine. So it was hard to pursue college. Especially without a goal in mind. But it isn't that way anymore...
Now that I see that light at the end of the tunnel I understand. The importance is there and I want to pursue it. That is something I don't think I ever thought I'd say. haha
Now the biggest wrestling match that has been taking place in my mind is that of where to pursue school.
In the city of Nashville, I have options, but options that have not looked very appealing to me.
I could pay a good sum of money to pursue film in a tech school. And get my undergrad and whatever I need for teaching credentials at another school.
I have also been weighing the option of moving to Florida to pursue school with my best friend Nathan Graves at the University of Central Florida. There are plenty of pro's and plenty of con's on this issue that have left me bruised and tired so many of these days out of this month.
Another option that I have as well is Ywam. Youth with a mission. It is a program that is the mixture of schooling and serving globally. You do missions for 6 months and then have the opportunity to take a film school through them after doing so many months of serving.
My last option would be to go and work at Mckays for the rest of my life and enjoys all the goods I get with my discount. haha
Now the last option is awesome, but not realistic. haha.
and in saying that as an option I can only hear Juno screaming at me, "Woah, Dream big!"
These are the options I have been looking at.
These are the opposers in the wrestling match that has taken place in my head over the past month.
I could dive more into detail about all of these options, but I don't feel that is the reason or purpose of me writing this blog. I'm not writing this all out in detail for someone to write a comment that entails which option I should choose. Even though that would be easy to do.
I'm not looking for sympathy.
I'm not looking for answers from anyone.
I'm merely just writing this to explain the match that has taken place in my head over the past few months.
I have been duking it out so much over the past month that I really could not write or think about anything else.
There were several nights I went to write about something else, and believe me I have plenty to write about with my summer experiences with church and Cornerstone, but this choice, this battle has taken control of my mind for the past month.
One of my purposes for this blog is for me to stay accountable to myself and to others and to be transparent to the world. Yes, there are things that are for me only, but I think in this society we see so many masks, I want to be transparent. In a world that you don't know what is what, I would like to be clear. I would like to be as clear as the ocean, not as dirty as murky lake water.
So I hope this blog has brought a little clarity to my little ocean. I hope it has helped you to maybe peer into the world that I have been consumed by this past few weeks. I hope it may help you understand some of my actions lately. I apologize to anyone and everyone who has dealt with the blunt of my attitude through this time. Know that this is a time of transitions and understanding for myself.
I am not asking for answers or even your weigh in on the matter, but I will ask for one thing. Please just pray. Please pray for wisdom. Not just for me though. There are so many people my age and maybe a little younger who go through this process of growing up. Its not a fun thing, but it is a part of life. A sucky part of life sometimes, but I know that it will all work out for the better. Even though me and God may have had many interesting talks, some with tears, some with profanities, I know that it will all work out in the end. I know He has a purpose for all of our lives. We just may not see it at times. But thats ok.
I just pray that when I die that I will be standing next to my Creator and He will hold his hand on my shoulder and look at this "masterpiece" called life. I hope that we can both look at it and smile, and we can analyze every brush stroke and every correction and mar on the painting. I hope that I can laugh with the comfort of His presence and be like, "Oh! thats why that happened. Man, I thought you were a big jerk then." And then He'll just look at me and say, "Tanner, thats why you needed me. You couldn't see what was up ahead, but I could. But I could." And then we will leave the masterpiece that hangs on the wall, and pass all the millions of others that hang on His wall.
We of course will leave his art room and head straight to Jersey Mikes for lunch. Because Jersey Mikes will definitely be in heaven.
Is that how I want to end this post?
Leaving you hanging with the thought of me and God enjoying a Mikes #7 mikes way on the Golden streets of heaven?
Yes, that is precisely how I would like to end all of my posts.
I hope this helped you see into where I have been the past few weeks.
Thank you for your patience and your love when you have given it to me.
I may not have let you know how appreciative I have been at the time,
but all of you who have been there for me. My parents. Lorrie, Mrs. Kim. The graves family, Crosspoint Community Church. Thank you all for being there for me during this time. I love you all so much, and I want all of you not to worry. I know you have faith in me because you have all told me that. I know you have all told me that you want me happy and will support me wherever I go, and you need to know that very statement means the world to me. To know that I have a huge basis of people who will support me wherever is such a comforting thought. Thank you all so much and I love you.
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: I Felt Free
Artist: Circa Survive
Album: Blue Sky Noise
Wrecking ball photo taken by Chris Simms
All other photos found on Google Images