Thursday, March 25, 2010
My Sad, Sorry, Selfish Cry Out To The Cutter...
"Small, simple, safe price,
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to bleed and fight.
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Would you be my little cut?
Make a mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a knife."
[I write the excerpt to show that cutting is not something that just takes the place in the bedrooms of a couple people in this world. Its all over. Its everywhere. Bert Mccracken wrote this little poem as an opener to the song, "I'm a Fake." I did censor the except because there are profanities throughout the whole thing, but regardless, just look at those words. How much truth about the addiction of cutting lies in just those words? The one part that really just hits me hard is, "make a mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid." As disturbing as that is, I don't think I could put it any better than that.]
One thing that has become something very important to me in my life over the past 5 months is a series that my church has started called EXPOSED. The point of the series is to take topics that are somewhat "voodoo" to the church. Topics that nobody wants to talk about. The stuff we all deal with, but don't want to talk about because its messy. I commend my church for taking on this series, especially in a time of political correctness. Nobody wants to ruffle feathers, or do something edgy anymore it seems, unless you sacha barron cohen[borat and bruno for all of you who don't know who that is.]. God bless him. haha.
But honestly this series has become something that I pour a lot of my time and thoughts into because I want kids to have something I didn't have. I want kids to be able to talk about those things they shamefully tell one or two of their friends one night over a text, and hope to God they'll understand, because they need someone. They need someone to talk to about this thing they are going through because its got to the point where they can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore.
I've been there. I too many times have found myself staring into the person in the mirror shaking my head and saying how could you? Or, your a monster. I've been there, I find myself there every now and then still. So thats something that motivates me to want to do this series. I want to be able to walk into the corner of that mirror as the kid is staring into the mirror saying "how could you", or "you're a monster", and say, "hey, no you're not. I'm here, I understand you're pain too. You're not the only one that struggles with this, you want help? Come on, lets talk." Thats what I want for this series, I want it to be that escape from the pain. I want them to see their not the only ones, and more than that, I want them to see that they are surrounded by love. Love from people who want to help them with their pain.
So with all that being said, last night we took on the topic of cutting. Cutting is something that is very close to my heart. I have had a couple of friends who have struggled with cutting and been very vocal about it with me. I've been that friend who has kept quiet, when another friend tells me, "I'm cutting, but don't tell anyone. What should I do?" I've been standing there completely confused and shaking with worries for my friend. I've been that guy lying in bed, not being able to fall asleep wondering if my friend will be alive the next day...
Cutting is something that may have been around for a long time, but it really has taken a big leap and reached a spotlight in our society today. I read that 1 in 4 girls will commit some form of self mutilation, wether that be cutting, or eating disorders. I read another statistic that said, 1 in 200 girls cuts regularly. That is an outrageous amount of girls in our society today who are marring their bodies, cutting away their problems. That is just too high a number for me to just sit still or quiet...
Yet our society does. Why?
Why is no one talking about this?
We see news specials all the time about this celebrities divorce, or plastic surgery. That doesn't affect anyone!
Why aren't they talking about this?
1 in 200 girls.
There are 626,144 people who live in just nashville alone. Lets say that out of that 626, 144 people that only 313,000 represents the amount of women in nashville. That means, that out of 313,000 women, 1,565 of them are cutting regularly. That is just in nashville alone. Over 1,000 women are cutting regularly. Over 1,000 women hide in their bathrooms. Over 1,000 women find themselves in front of that mirror. Watching a little bit of red spiral down the sink and then looking up to see themselves in the mirror. "What a monster." "How could you?" "You should just cut deeper next time you big disappointment." These thoughts enter the minds of over 1,000 women just in Nashville!
For all of you who are cutting I want to apologize to you on behalf of the rest of the world. I am so sorry that we have allowed you to find that place of darkness and allow you to hide in it. I am so sorry that our churches across the country are not brave enough to address you on this topic, and if they do, address it correctly. I am sorry.
I want to say to all of you who are cutting, there is hope. There is.
For all of you who are cutting, and have tried to stop, and find yourself cutting again, There is hope. There is.
We as christians should be the first ones there for these girls and guys who are hurting and cutting. We should be the first ones there to kiss the open wound. Let us. Let us help you. I know it sounds ridiculous that someone could possibly understand what you are going through, or that we could somehow help even though we don't know you very well, but thats not true. You can help a complete stranger. You can change someones world in the matter of 30 seconds. Let us. Escape the world that you have locked yourselves in. Let someone in.
Now that I have apologized and told you there is hope, I do want to issue you one warning though. People will fail you. People will always fail you. Your struggle will not go away. But some people will. So the responsibility does rely on you when you get stronger. You are the one who holds the safety pin, razor, or glass to your skin. You are the one who feels the euphoria as you cut. You are the one. Not the person who is trying to help you. So don't get discouraged if someone fails you. That doesn't mean that you're doomed. That doesn't mean that you are destined to cut yourself for the rest of your life or until you final cut too deep. Don't get discouraged if one of your friends can not handle holding the weight of knowing your little secret...
But if you're friend does fail you, maybe you should realize thats because this isn't something that is small. This is something that is life threatening. This addiction is something that could eventually lead to you accidentally bleeding yourself out. Thousands, THOUSANDS, die every year from accidentally going too fair with their self inflicted harm. Thousands around the world are hospitalized for cuts that have become life threatening.
As a person who has stood by a friend while she struggled with cutting, I ask you one thing. As hard as it is, as hard as it is for you to accept anything from anyone saying anything about this topic, listen. You need professional help. You need to contact a counselor. You need to tell someone who can do something about this, and who can help you. A friend can only help so much.
Maybe you're a friend reading this now, and you don't know what you can do. You feel like if you're friend were to cut too deep that you would feel guilt for their harm. Because you knew. I am telling you, the best thing you can do is encourage your friend to seek a counselor. You are only hurting them more by staying in the shadows. By keeping quiet. By seeing the amount of cuts on her arm start to multiply, and doing nothing.
Staying quiet only hurts the person more.
And to you who are cutting I want to say one last thing. Whatever you are hurting over. Whatever has brought you to the end of a sharp object. There is a peace to it that you can find. Most of the time, the thing that you need more than anything is someone to talk to.
Lets trade bloodshed for tears.
Instead spending those hard moments alone in a bathroom or bedroom, or rooftop with a sharp object "making a mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. To fill, and spill over, and under your thoughts." Instead of spilling your blood to make yourself pay for your wrongs, or for the feeling you receive from the cut; instead, talk to someone. Instead of being alone in a bathroom, go talk with someone. We are all human, we all understand pain. Talk to someone, someone who you know cares and will listen. Trade your bloodshed for tearful moments with your friend or a counselor.
Trade the blood for tears.
Its still spilling out of you.
But this time,
Theres no shame.
No looking back in a mirror and saying, "You're a monster."
Look in a mirror and love the beautiful amazing person you are. If you're self esteem is low, you're view on yourself is crap, look in the mirror. Realize you are beautiful. You are alive. You are blessed. Surround yourself with people who you know truly love and care for you and build you up. That let you know you're worthy. You're loved.
You're not worthless.
Bert Mccracken wrote:
"Love is not like anything, especially a knife."
And I agree, Love will never compare to a knife.
A knife will leave you bleeding, a knife will never better you.
Love will raise you above this addiction. Love will conquer this pain.
Don't shake you're head and say love is what got you in this mess. Love made you cut.
I mean true love. True love, from a friend, you're parents. You're Savior.
Let us love. Let us kiss the open wound...
For all of you who read this and struggle with cutting and have no one to reach out to I urge you to visit this website,
To write love on her arms is a foundation that was created to help write love on the arms of a girl who carved a profane word in her arm. She wrote what she thought she was, a screw up. The creators of this foundation found this girl and loved and on her, and lead her to help.
Let them lead you to help. Let them love you. Let them kiss your wounds.
Two other great resources are:
S.A.F.E. - www.selfinjury.com – “S.A.F.E. ALTERNATIVES is a nationally recognized treatment approach, professional network, and educational resource base, which is committed to helping you and others achieve an end to self-injurious behavior.”
Self Mutilators Anonymous - www.selfmutilatorsanonymous.org - "Self Mutilators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from physical self-mutilation."
Please if you are cutting, please seek love.
I'm not asking you to tell me personally. If you want to, I am always there for you. But if you don't want to tell me or anyone else. Seek these resources. Let them help you.
Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "Will this ever stop?"
Yes. It will. And it can stop
Media Associated With This Post:
Song: A Time For Yohe
Artist: Between The Trees
Album: The Story and The Song
All pictures high jacked from Google Images
Exposed Logo cropped and created by Tanner Pemelton